Why Do They Stay?

From a friend who chooses to remain anonymous:


One of the first things people always ask after incidents (Chris Balentine) like this is 'Why do they stay?' Here is how my friend explained it to me:

* There seems to be a special 'knack' that spousal abusers have for choosing their victims. Abusers are ALMOST ALWAYS the victims of abuse at some point earlier in their lives. Their victims share a similar past, usually having grown up in households where abuse was present and portrayed as 'normal'. Perhaps the abuser is able to pick up on this 'similarity' and pursues such a victim with the ultimate goal being that of having TOTAL CONTROL over their victim's life. Unwitting witnesses to family abuse have a DEEP NEED to be safe and have someone to trust. 

* The abuser usually begins the relationship as a 'Prince Charming'. His co-workers, friends and the general public always say 'What a great guy he is.' This is all a carefully choreographed charade.

* Not long after the abuser 'sets the hook' in his victim, things will take an ugly turn. The victim will slowly be 'cut off' from family and friends. What contact IS allowed will be minimal and closely supervised. The victim's cell phone, if any, will be scrutinized daily for curious numbers and texts.
^ When the abuse begins, and IT WILL begin, it will be 'something little' that 'sets the abuser off'. like '...not having dinner waiting when he gets home, or cooking the 'wrong' thing for supper, or a change in a hairdo, or......' See how CRAZY abusers are??? The victim, still thinking she has found her 'Prince Charming', won't see 'it' coming. It will usually begin as verbal abuse. The victim will be called 'stupid', 'worthless', and a host of other vile names unfit to print. But it WILL happen.

* Like the first verbal assault, the victim won't see the first physical assault coming, due to the abuser wanting to keep his victim 'off guard', plus the FACT that most spousal abusers are COWARDS. Par for the course for spousal abusers, the abuser will claim that the physical abuse is the VICTIM's fault. This scenario will play itself out often enough in the future that the victim will eventually begin to wonder if the abuse REALLY IS their fault.

* These cycle of events will continue, often with the victim 'pushing the abuser's buttons' until he snaps. This is in the false belief that, after an altercation, after some 'steam is let off', a 'momentary peace' can be had. This is a very risky 'game' that victims choose to play at this point. There are NO GUARANTEES that past incidents can be used as predictors for how future incidents will play out.

* By this time the abuser has often convinced the victim that 'no one will believe them', 'that they are a totally worthless individual', and that they will 'be killed', or their loved ones will be, if they seek outside help.

These are THE MAIN REASONS that so many acts of domestic violence go unreported. It was a combination of ALL of these reasons, and a few not mentioned, that convinced my friend NOT to leave an abusive relationship for over 20 years. My friend worked IN the court system and HAD ACCESS to IMMEDIATE help, but didn't seek it until it was almost too late.

She's one of the VERY lucky ones. She took a HUGE risk and confided in a friend. She got out.

*****

Some thoughts from Shoalanda:

* We're not sure why the FB page we linked two days ago is down. Perhaps it was taken down by FB due to the threats and language from Muscle Shoals football players. We saw where one called a woman who posted a "low down f**king b***h." Nice, huh?

* We believe in giving credit where due. Muscle Shoals schools have the highest scholastic scores in the area. Props to them! Yet, the students who posted, apparently all football players, could barely compose a complete sentence. What's up with this?

* Several have asked how Chris Balentine can continue to coach with a domestic violence conviction? Easily--he is scheduled to complete anger management and alcohol abuse programs; when he does, he will have no record even though he pleaded guilty.

*****

Shoalanda