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The town of Red Bay has announced it will be hiring extra security this August for the scheduled joint convention of the DAR and Colonial Dames. Police Sgt. Kyle Palmer stated that you can't be too careful when these two groups of gangbangers get together.

Ronnie Willis held a news conference today in which he promised to rid the courthouse of the scourge of female employees over 40. Willis stated it may be a Herculean task and plans first to travel to Savannah, Georgia, for a human resources conference led by Bubba Hiers. 

Fired UNA women's softball coach Jason Anderson remained mum on the possibility of a lawsuit against the university. He stated he had no plans to act until all the wiretap tapes were listened to.

Helen Keller Hospital CEO Doug Arnold has been given 30 days to change his hairstyle or face a copyright infringement suit by Donald Trump.

The Colbert County Commission went on record today as being opposed to the new Alligator Ice kiosk at McFarland Park in Florence. They stressed they had no opposition to four flavors, but a selection of five was entirely too much for Lauderdale County.

Finally, Shelton Publishing in Decatur announced it would be changing the name of the TimesDaily to Veces al Dia.



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