We're Offering Support Groups

You’ve all read of universities of higher learning offering coloring books and modeling clay to students who feel disappointed in and displaced by the new president-elect. So in that vein, we’re starting emotional support groups for those who are offended by the major disappointments in life. Here’s our tentative list:

* Those who can’t park at Fred’s downtown after 5:00 p.m. due to Flo-Bama patrons will meet on Sunday in the Subway parking lot.

* Those who miss Mickey Haddock, Dave Smith, and Hermon Graham will meet on Monday in a broom closet at Florence city hall where Prince will offer bite therapy.

* Those who feel disenfranchised by both the Democratic and Republican parties will meet on Tuesday in Braly Stadium. Come early to insure a seat.

* Those whose hopes have been repeatedly dashed by Steak ‘n’ Shake will meet on Wednesday at the Krystal.

* Those who have delusions of the Sweetwater Entertainment District ever becoming a reality will meet on Thursday to pick up trash on Minnehaha Street.

* Those who hate Walmart and other chain grocery stores will meet on Friday to exchange recipes using only ingredients that can be found in local Mom & Pop corner markets.

* Those who feel disappointment in elected officials not returning calls or letters will meet on Saturday to visit the homes of these public servants. Bring your own toilet paper.

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What are the odds that so many so-called celebrities want to leave our country…and not one of them is a Kardashian?