Muscle Shoals Police Officer Exam

The new examination given to prospective Muscle Shoals Police officers:

1. The Muscle Shoals Police Department is located:

a. On Avalon Avenue
b. At the Donut Shop
c. At Gnat Pond


2. If you become hungry during a shift, the best thing to do is:

a. Keep peanut butter crackers handy in your patrol car
b. Rush to your favorite booth in the nearest diner
c. Shoot a deer on the TVA reservation


3. You can easily shoot without hitting:

a. Innocent bystanders
b. Your foot
c. The door to your patrol car


4. If you’re spat on by a prisoner in handcuffs, you should:

a. Attempt to reason with him while protecting yourself
b. Spit back
c. Use your pepper spray, taser, and a chokehold while calling the city’s attorney


5. If called to a disturbance at the waste water facility, you should:

a. Notify the EMA
b. Call for backup
c. Make sure you don’t damage any city employees’ property


6. If called to a disturbance at Cypress Lakes, you should:

a. Not answer the call and hope the city makes a profit on the insurance claim
b. Take along your golf clubs so that you don’t waste a trip
c. Check for injured turtles


7. When dealing with the public, you should:

a. Always be courteous
b. Get their phone numbers if they’re young and hot
c. Check to see if they’re related to the mayor before giving them a ticket


8. If you pull over an African-American driver, you should:

a. Treat him as you would any other driver
b. Give him a ticket on general principal
c. Draw your gun since blacks don’t belong in Muscle Shoals


9. If called to a death investigation, you should also call:

a. Your brother-in-law who works at a funeral home
b. The newspapers to be sure your name gets in print
c. The coroner if you happen to think about it


10. If you should be wrongly accused of a crime while on duty, you should call:

a. A bail bondsman
b. Your union rep since everyone in city hall is afraid of him
c. Billy Underwood

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We recently mentioned more coverage of animal abuse. We certainly plan to follow through, but we see little need for duplication. There has already been a great deal of coverage on PNS concerning this, uh, person. Yes, we're being charitable calling him a person. Here's the link:

Green Davidson IV

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Shoalanda