Sunday, December 5, 2010

Santa Arrested in Lauderdale County

Zip City: Reports of an illegally parked red and white sleigh in northern Lauderdale County brought Commissioner Rhea Tays Michael Fulmer and County Attorney Chris Smith out in the cold early this morning. While investigating the case of felony parking, the two also discovered eight cases of animal cruelty.

A reluctant and sleepy Sheriff Ronnie Willis arrested the sleigh's portly owner, an elderly man with no known local address. He's currently being held without bail in the Florence-Lauderdale Detention Center.

Fulmer and Smith immediately called a press conference to announce this was only the tip of the north polar iceberg. Sources say we can expect the arrest of approximately one hundred elves before the end of the month.

Fulmer and Smith's Republican opposition in the 2012 county elections have announced their own investigation into the matter, stating that the arrest serves no purpose in deterring county crime. Privately they have also suggested there may not be a Christmas for anyone under the age of ten this year.

When asked about this possible repercussion of the arrest and subsequent impoundment of the sleigh, both Fulmer and Smith referred all questions to a furry green man in the company of a small dog with antlers. More on this as it develops.


Cherokee: The Cherokee Lions Club served almost 150 guests at its annual Breakfast with Santa. Congratulations to all these Lions and Lionettes for a job well done.


The Shoals: Be aware of a new phone scam similar to the one involving Listerhill Credit Union last year. The current phone calls involve SunTrust bank and have been traced to Honduras. SunTrust is aware of this new scam, but if you should receive a call purporting to be from another institution, be sure to report it to the bank or credit union referenced.


If you've had problems viewing the new Internet magazine The Connection, these glitches should now be taken care of. Part II in their investigative report on Rhea Fulmer's ethics complaint against George Grabryan is scheduled for early in the week. We look forward to their in depth look into what has become a misuse of both county time and state resources.