Monday, December 6, 2010

Saving Santa

Saving Santa

By J.J. Ray

Local attorney and Zip City resident Janice Keeton has agreed to represent Santa. He appeared before Republican Judge Carol Medley this morning. Judge Medley set bond at $100.00, which was immediately posted by some local citizens. Sheriff Ronnie Willis was chided for using the combined SWAT Teams from Muscle Shoals and Florence to affect the arrest as they were training in the Zip City community.

The eight reindeer have been placed in protective custody and have gone on an apparent hunger strike because of the loss of their owner. Keeton referred to the arrest of the portly old soul as, “A travesty of justice by Commissioner Rhea Tays Michael Fulmer and nothing more than headline grabbing by Chris Smith”. Sheriff Willis had no comment at this time as he was still yawning.

Judge Medley has ordered a competency hearing for the purported Santa and is going to settle the case before Christmas Eve. District Attorney Chris Connolly notified the press that he would personally undertake the prosecution of this case. He stated in an interview that, “The county and nation has to be protected form usurpers like this because in my opinion there is no such person as Santa Claus and on top of that he is probably a Republican. I am sure the Attorney General Eric Holder will send some help down from Washington. There is also a possibility that this person could be an 'Illegal Alien'”.

Commissioner Rhea Tays Michael Fulmer stated in an interview that it was her sworn duty to protect the county from trash like this. Apparently the SWAT team could not locate any reflective cones to put around the sleigh as Commissioner Fulmer had ordered them locked up to keep them away from the EMA director lest he once again use them for something other than county business.

One of the arresting officers said at the scene, “This was a huge and smelly mess”, speaking of the debris left by the eight reindeer. He also stated that he could not understand the constant smile on the face of Commissioner Rhea Tays Michael Fulmer as the cuffs were placed on Santa. He related the smile as “Grinch Like”.

Here’s hoping that Attorney Keeton can affect a resolution of this case soon as the days are getting short before Christmas Eve. I will report from the Trial as it progresses.


There seems to be several new Christmas songs out this year. Here are some we predict will become classics:

Please Unwrap Me, Santa by Thelma & the Thongs

Viagra on the Niagara by Chuck Lansdell with backup by Hugh Hefner

Oh, Traffic Cone, Oh, Traffic Cone by Rhea & the Commissioners


It's going to be cold for the next few days; please remember to bring in your pets or provide them with warm bedding and drinkable water.