Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A Voice of Reason/Bubba Weighs In

We trust everyone has now read Mr. Billy Underwood's letter to the Muscle Shoals Civil Service Board. It was well written, hilarious, informative, and at no point came close to the subject at hand.

We've learned that Mayor Bradford was once a police officer for the city, liked to kill innocent turtles, and wasn't always the best of shots. How do you aim at a turtle from inside your vehicle and hit said vehicle instead?

We've learned that the Muscle Shoals City Jail has been home to various sexcapades. They do call jailers "screws" you know, at least in all those old Edgar G. Robinson/Jimmy Cagney movies from the 30s and 40s.

We've also learned what happened to the lawsuit filed against the city by an African American man taken into custody two years ago. The handcuffed detainee claimed he was attacked by a Muscle Shoals lieutenant and patrol officer.  Many have asked us the resolution of that suit, but all lips were sealed...until now.

So who 'fessed up? Ratted? Narced? Doesn't Greg Scoggins seem the most logical culprit? He's been with the force for 11 years; he knows where the MSPD bodies are buried; he thinks this information will regain his job; and he also thinks he has nothing to lose.

Let's say Greg Scoggins does get his job back; what happens then? Would you like to be Officer Scoggins after you had ratted on your fellow officers...not just to the civil service board, but to all of Shoalanda's readers...and more?

No, gentle readers, the current Muscle Shoals Civil Service Board has nothing to do with former boards, and even the older incarnations of the board apparently were never advised of the antics of these various police officers. The board members will take into consideration only the case at hand. They will ask if Scoggins is guilty, and he has admitted as much.

What will Scoggins do then? We recently read a TVT post by a Florence attorney stating the shamed officer wouldn't be welcome in that city. Will he be welcome anywhere? It would be difficult to fathom any department wanting him now.


Shootin' fish in a barrel. Yep, that's what shootin' those turtles at Gnat Pond amounts to. If I was ol' David Bradford, I'd start tellin' that one of them gnats out on that pond got in my eye and I couldn't see good enough to take my best shot. Cause when you shoot your own police car people are bound to snicker. Heck, I'm still laughin' and I've never even met the mayor.

Lil' Bubba asked me why anyone would want to shoot a turtle in the first place. I recollect my second cousin Arley used to shoot 'em at Lower Dog Ear Creek. He sold the shells at the Frog Pond flea market and got right smart for 'em too.

Arley saved up the money, moved on up to Spruce Pine, and got a job as a water meter reader. Course he never shot his own car, so that was in his favor. Maybe all of ya'll in Muscle Shoals will have forgotten about that when election time comes up again.

Anyways I think I'll just stick to septic tanks and car motors. I'd hate to have to tell anyone I'd been attacked by one of them dangerous turtles ya'll got in Muscle Shoals.

Bubba Leroy Smuckpucker II
Dog Ear, Alabama


We here at Shoalanda Speaks promise to keep the public informed of any future killer turtle sightings.



  1. But, see what nobody seems to understand is that if Mr. Scoggins get to retain his job, he would never ever.....never shoot another deer while on duty!

  2. I am the one who knows where the bodies are buried. Rest assured, one doesn't practice law for more than 30 years and not know where to find the skeletons.

    1. If you wrote a book based on these experiences, it should out sell anything by John Grisham.

  3. Why won't you run the pictures I sent you this morning?

    1. We had already published today. We'll definitely run them tomorrow--they're doozies!


  5. The old timers say that if a snapper bites you, it won't let go until it hears thunder. Who wants to walk around with a snapper hanging off of them waiting for thunder.

    Back 15 yrs plus or minus a couple of years, a group of us kept the mail route to the Ethics Commission busy. One particular time our group complained at one of the city commission meetings about street department workers being paid overtime, yes overtime to rake a friend of the Mayor's yard. Mayor Mitchell declared that the amount of leaves in the yard created a fire hazard for the neighborhood and that our group were 'Miserable Malcontents'. Hence the M&M's as we called ourselves after that were born. Our complaint filed with the Ethics Commission was the use of taxpayer money on private property. We also pointed out that a Cub or Boy Scout or church group could have been contacted.