Monday, September 5, 2011

What's Wrong With Labor Day In Tuscumbia?

The following is a guest commentary by Miss Dwanda Fribish, the even lovelier sister of the the lovely Miss Wanda Fribish:

When I read in the Times Daily that the Labor Day festivities in Spring Park still include a beauty contest, I was speechless. Just not speechless enough not to sit down and write Shoalanda about it. This is 2011. Why are we still allowing this silly cattle show for women between the ages of 18 and 25 who probably don't have IQs any higher than that?

If we're going to have a beauty contest, it should be all inclusive. Here's what I think would be the perfect lineup.

Contestant 1 - Bernie Zohanawoski, a pipefitter from Zip City. Bernie is 35 and has chest hair long enough to plait into attractive, or not so attractive, patterns.

Contestant 2 - Vilma Krouse, a 41 year-old welder from Upper Leighton who is eight months pregnant with her 9th child. She would obviously get a lot of sympathy votes.

Contestant 3 - Leigh Silesi, gender unknown, but at only 20 is an up and comer in the world of basket weaving with rebar. This Frog Pond resident looks good in stilettos.

Contestant 4 - Imah Bit Dowdy, widow of a long-time machinist's local prexy who at 83, is a long shot. Imah holds the hotdog eating record at the Lexington Senior Center.

Contestant 5 - Jane Fonda, not technically a Shoals area resident, but is currently on tour to promote her new biography and would be sure to get a lot of votes from Vietnam vets.

Now there's a truly inclusive lineup. Maybe next year...


We wish each and every one of you a happy Labor Day!