Saturday, July 17, 2010

Cherokee: Fiction...or Fact?

The Dark Town

A Guest Commentary By

Bailey Quarters

The grey woman walked eastward across Colbert County and the fireman followed. Riding on a golf cart, a fire hose on each hip, Chuck arrived at City Dance Hall. Turning the knob to the weathered door, he found the office locked. Those who were perceptive enough thought they saw a tear in Chuck’s eye.

Mad Melinda had once been the finest clerk the Dark Town ever had, but now she deserted her office to attend sports functions that were foreign to Alabama and notarized documents without reading them. After all, this wasn’t the grey woman’s first visit.

Remounting the golf cart, Chuck headed toward Thelma’s Tea Room. If he had a friend in the Dark Town, it was Thunderin’ Thelma. She had taught him how to ride a golf cart all those years ago, and he had fond memories of the first woman he ever shared a Whopper with.

Thelma never hesitated as she accepted Chuck’s request for an ally, and the newly minted twosome rode stealthily toward the railroad tracks. They sensed the grey woman before they saw her, a magical accountant’s cloak pulled around her broad shoulders and a moth-eaten fur hat loosely draped across her cropped hair. Her magic seemed palpable at this close a distance.

Behind her stood four members of the council, their eyes glassy and blank. Chuck wasn’t sure if they were armed, but none of the four seemed afraid of him. Indeed, they didn’t seem to acknowledge him. If they even noticed the great seal of an EMT on his shoulder, they felt no respect for it.

This was it—the battle between evil and even worse evil had begun…

Want to know which side is which? No? You couldn’t care less? Well, if you change your mind, stay tuned for the next council meeting, brought to you by Cherokee Citizens for a Crazy City.


Cherokee’s Newest Religion: Chuckism

A Guest Commentary By

T. R.

To be a good Chuckist, your regard for truth should be very low. You must be a blind follower. Agreeing with Mayor Lansdell only 9 out of 10 times is strictly forbidden. Total devotion and followership is a requirement. Such an egregious mistake of having the nerve to ever have a differing opinion will have you reduced to the level of a Non-Chuckist. Do not under any circumstance suggest that the great one might be wrong.

Another requirement is the ability to ignore any Lansdell wrong-doing. For instance, you must ignore that in the history of Cherokee, at least the last 40 years, we have always had a placard to let citizens know when the Town Clerk would return if they were out of the office for ANY reason. The fact that Melinda Malone follows this time honored practice, and that the Mayor is always manufacturing a flaw against her must never be mentioned. The FACT that this is merely a witch hunt to slander someone hired by the previous Mayor should never cross your lips. Never consider that the Town Clerk applied for vacation over a month in advance and was told to wait until the following month to apply, to only be turned down for insufficient notice. Another employee was able to take vacation the previous Friday with no approval. You can see the benefit of being a loyal Chuckist.

If you are a devoted Chuckist, never, never expose that one of the mandatory characteristics of a good leader is embracing opposing ideas and opinions. You must also not be cognizant of the fact that Rebecca Narmore becoming his personal adviser is no deviation from what has been happening for the past year. Mentioning that her unprofessional and personal bias that has manifested itself in all town council meetings is strictly forbidden. The Mayor now has the least professional attorney in the Shoals on a Pro Bono basis, but this is taboo to discuss.

If you are one of the 20 or so Chuckists, you must attend every Town Council meeting so that you appear as a majority. Never mind that it isn’t true (refer to paragraph one). You must be willing to sacrifice yourself, skip normal order of any meeting, and blurt out in a manner that would make Jethro Bodine look like Prince Edward. You could mention that the Mayor calls himself a minister yet spews hatred at anyone that has the nerve to think that he is not perfect, however, if one does, they will become the enemy. At this point, your access to any public services this township offers will be terminated immediately. Major problems will be ignored. Time sensitive matters are of no consequence. You will effectively be ousted from any consideration by the Mayor no matter what.

Now a word to the truly wise, the hundreds of Non Chuckists. If you have any issue that needs immediate attention, you may have to fight fire with fire. Leak the information that you think the Town Clerk may have misspelled a word. Then wait outside Town Hall, and you will have the Lansdell/Lambert posse complete with cronies appear within 15 minutes ready for action!

P.S. - If you are truly blind and do not realize that all the controversy in Cherokee only started after Mayor Lansdell decided to run for mayor again 2 years ago, you could challenge C.R. to be the right hand when the Great One comes to gather his flock.


All Calm in Cherokee

A Guest Commentary By

C. R.

While bad weather threatened the small town of Cherokee, all appeared calm at city hall. The day began Friday with Mayor Lansdell, city clerk Melinda Malone, and recently fired part time city clerk Marsha Allen at city hall. Marsha Allen's status is unknown but we do know that the mayor and Allen have been working on a grant proposal that could bring the town over a million dollars. If this is true, the city council are huge idiots for firing someone with the knowledge and drive to bring in needed revenue to the town. Not all is lost, the new part time city clerk Becky Watkins can read the National Enquirer at Olympic speeds.


There you have it--three interesting views of the train wreck that is Cherokee...