Monday, June 7, 2010

Sealed Divorce Records?

When we called June 1st Titanic Tuesday, we weren't referring to any actual campaigns going down as a result of unforeseen political juggernauts, but we might as well have been--think the Artur Davis campaign. For some time it had been suggested that Ron Sparks campaigners often referred to Davis as a closet gay. We sincerely doubt that accusation is true, but since the Harvard graduate lost and is retiring from the political arena, the only ones it should now matter to are his wife and family.

That brings us to Ron Sparks--he who would make Bubba LeRoy Smuckpucker II sound literate. What about the undistinguished Agriculture Commissioner from Ft. Payne?

We can't verify that the rumors originated from the Davis campaign, but there have been rumors. One hard to lay to rest story involved multiple marriages, but since this would have involved multiple divorces as well, that tale seems to have been effectively quashed in most journalistic circles. Apparently there has been only one woman who had both the bad eyesight and total lack of sensibility to marry Ron Sparks. The salient question now is: Where are the divorce records?

Most individuals have neither the funds nor interest required to subscribe to AlaCourt, and we're no exception. Those who do subscribe tell us that Sparks' divorce is not to be found in that banal monument to the Alabama court system. Why, you may ask.

It seems the records of Democratic nominee Ron Sparks' divorce are sealed. While we're sure there must be some in the DeKalb County area who know the former Mrs. Sparks' name, even that appears to have been expunged from any official biographies. That leaves us only unofficial sources, commonly referred to as rumors.

We keep hearing of spousal abuse. That sounds more than likely. After all, if forced to sit through more than 30 minutes of Sparks' mangling the English language, I myself would take a Louisville slugger to him.


Notice the blond sitting next to Ron Sparks at the 2008 Democratic National Convention pictured above? Of course you did--she's the one who both accidentally spilled an entire bottle of peroxide on her hair and shrank her only outfit two sizes the day the photo was snapped.

Just think, if Sparks should win the governorship, this lovely creature could be our new first lady. That's right--while we don't know her name, we've been informed by those in the know that she's still his main squeeze.

And some of you thought Patsy Riley was embarrassing...