Labor Day 2024

 

It's time for our readers' favorite, the annual Labor Day Beauty Contest direct from Tuscumbia's Spring Park, where contestants actually bear some resemblance to the Shoals workforce.

Contestant No. One was Pukey Lukey Preen representing the Florence Fraternal Order of Police. Lukey had been slated to simultaneously play kazoo and cigar-box guitar, but sadly Ofc. Preen was disqualified when he failed to make it to the event on time. A search party eventually found Preen in Sheffield's Riverfront Park waiting for the crowd to show up.

Contestant No. Two was Belaki Beck representing the MSEA. Even though Belaki isn't officially a Trojan any longer, he demanded one last opportunity to embarrass the school system with his talent for spewing curses at city employees. The former coach was rumored to have had a competitive edge since so many were willing to declare him the winner just to be rid of him.

Contestant No. Three was Gina Clark representing the Muscle Shoals City Council who sang "I've Got Friends in Low Places." Clark had been rumored to be in the running for last place, and boos from the audience confirmed her status.

Contestant No. Four was Big.Dumb.Broad.Ski who represented the Florence Tree Commission. Like Ofc. Preen, she was disqualified when it became clear that seven veils weren't enough to cover the subject in her announced belly dance. Fans can rejoice that she plans to try again next year after Ozempic. 

Contestant No. Five was Joe Aquatic of the Shoals Pool Cleaning Union. Joe previously announced his buck dancing has a great chance of winning after the closure of several public pools gave him extra time to practice.

Contestant No. Six was Bonnie Baird, younger sister of Jeannie, representing the Animal Workers Association. Jeannie was the overwhelming winner in 2021, and Bonnie is rumored to be determined to outdo her older sibling. Young Border Collie Bonnie, like Jeannie, identifies as human and does a mean hip-hop Highland Fling. 

After approximately 10 seconds for a judges' conference, the decision was unanimous...

The Winner: Bonnie Blue Baird