Sunday, March 3, 2013

Why You Can't Be a Success in the Shoals

Having trouble making your mark in the world, even though you're really trying? This may be your problem:

1. He didn't make any money legally. He's in with the mob. Translation: He grew up dirt poor in East Florence, so how can he be a success while we're not.

2. I wouldn't do business with her. Something funny about all that new money. Translation: Her parents weren't rich, so how the heck did she get to be?

3. You need to watch him. No one knows where he came from. Translation: He's not a Podunk native, so he really shouldn't even be here, much less making any money.

4. Something fishy about all that success. She got a ticket for jaywalking thirty years ago. Translation: It doesn't matter if you're there firstest with the mostest, you can't be a success because of your distant past.

Not quite sure about some of this? Let's talk to an expert.

SS: We have Sylvia VanHaughty with us today. She's chair of the board for Acme Widgets, one of the Shoals smallest and least successful employers. Sylvia, tell us about Joe Sosmann.

SV: It seems Sosmann moved to our small town without anyone's permission. Anyway, he then weaseled his way into a job at Acme.

SS: Exactly how did the get the job?

SV: He filled out an application and just because he was more than qualified, some idiot supervisor hired him. Can you imagine?

SS: Not really. So what happened next?

SV: Thurlow Smithers knew about that speeding ticket Sosmann got in the 1990s, so he told me and I promptly had Sossman fired.

SS: So now Mr. Sosmann will have to rely on public assistance unless he can find another job?

SV: I certainly hope not. I don't believe in food stamps to start with and I certainly don't want my tax money supporting Joe Sosmann.

SS: So how is Mr. Sosmann supposed to live?

SV: He should have thought about that before he got that speeding ticket, now shouldn't he?

SS: Sylvia, do you know what secondary deviance is?

SV: I try to stay away from anything deviant, but if you're asking about our prison system, I'm opposed to paying any money to them either. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to leave or I'll be late. I never miss a service at the Uptown Old School and Money Church. 



  1. LOL this is funny, but true... and the funnest part is these people around here who act like that run to church on Wednesday nights and Sunday all day. They wont vote the Lottery into Alabama but run to the State line to get theirs and buy beer during the week but Lordy Lord dont want to see a store sale it on a Sunday.

  2. LOL this is true here, I have lived all over the country and never have I ever lived around so many Christian Hypocrites as I have here, They Gossip all week about everybody and their brother and gasp if anyone mentions a State Lottery or sale of beer and alcohol on Sunday, but each Sunday they are up in church and every Saturday they are running to the state line for Lottery TicketI have never been around so many phony people as I have here.