Saturday, March 30, 2013

Making That Easy Money by Blake Austin Hines

Okay, ya know, it's hard to make that big money ya really deserve. Like, they expect you to work for it. Man, how f****d up is that? I got all these great ideas while I was in the joint and some pointers too.

So, me and my guys know this lady in North Florence. Old. Lives alone. Money and prescription drugs. Easy money, no chance of being traced. Like it so far? Thought you did. I'm smart that way.

So me and my two pals get these ski masks and put on some heavy boots, gotta have those to knock in the door. We dash in, push the woman around a little, or a lot if it comes down to it. Like I said, ya gotta have that money, ya know.

Turns out she's kinda small and it was easy. Didn't even have to kill her, not that we wouldn't have if it came down to it. We get the money and run. Ya should have seen us in my Mussie. Boy, it's sharp. Thanks, Mom. She got it for me as a "graduation" present. How funny is that? Got me the I-Phone I'm typing this on too.

Yeah, my mom's a silly b***h. Works at Lowe's for her money. How dumb is that? She's always been kinda dumb. Ya should see the men she's paraded in and out of my life over the years. But I gotta thank her. If she'd cared where I was at 12:30 Friday morning I wouldn't be holding all this loot in my hands right now.

But, yeah, it won't last that long. There's next week. My guys know another old lady the other side of town. How great is that? So, see ya around. Church for Easter? You some kind of freak or what? I'm on a roll. Who needs Jesus?

Hey, do you hear sirens?


Thanks to an anonymous reader for the above "advice." Blake Austin Hines, 18, is currently being held in the Lauderdale Detention Center on 101K bond. Will he get out? If our reader is correct that his mother is as deluded about her son as he says, yes he will. What will happen to him? Our source says it's not his first arrest. Hines just left Mt. Miegs Juvenile Center on February 8th.

This is not like breaking into a car in a parking lot. This is serious--a true crime of moral turpitude. If justice is to be served, we're going to have to demand it. After Hines' two companions in crime are arrested, and the trio is indicted, we will provide more information on making sure they do actual prison time.


We'll have our story on Sparkey's Drive-Inn on Monday.



  1. He didn't even do it they stole his keys when he was asleep M.Y.O.B. yea he's done wrong in the past but he did not do that and no he didn't write this and no my mother did not parade men in his life so whoever is saying that can come see me Justin hines

    1. Perhaps you should tell that to the district attorney; we see he's still in the Florence-Lauderdale Detention Center...mistake of course. How's his victim? Think she's able to sleep yet without medication?