Monday, September 2, 2013

Miss Labor Day 2013

Yes, it's that time of year again...time for the annual Labor Day beauty pageant. This year's festivities started on a sad note when it was announced that the Sheffield Sanitation Department's entry would not be able to compete. Dirty Sally Tally has been in a coma since the theft of the dumpster at the methadone clinic. Very odd, and we wish her the best.

This morning's entries included the following:

Helga (Helen) Keller Jorgenson - 47, member of the Hospital Workers' Union and an employee at HKH. Helen brought a shot in the arm to the contest by adding talent to her catwalk appearance. Juggling three AK-47s, Helen stated she was ready for any RegionalCare employees who would even think of a hostile takeover of the Colbert County hospital.

Carmen Miranda Electra - 39, member of the Electricians' Union and currently on strike against the City of Florence. When questioned about how the strike was going, Carmen announced her union cell was responsible for the four-hour loss of power in downtown Florence this morning. She felt things were heating up, so to speak, but if the electric workers don't get a new contract soon, she couldn't promise that anything in the city would be heated up this winter.

Allison (Alley) Katz - 57, animal control officer representing the Florence Municipal Workers' Union. Alley's talent portion demonstrated her ability to wrangle a pit bull and Maine Coon simultaneously.

Morticia Porter - 35, member of the Garment Workers' Union of Lexington. Morticia's talent was being able to read. Considered a long shot, Morticia may get a sympathy vote since she's legally blind and the only woman in her small town not to have been married to the police chief.

Ahh, thank God it's only once a year...


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