Thursday, November 12, 2009

Cynthia Stewart Does Tharptown

Tharptown ladies, sing this song, ooh lah, ooh lah.
Tharptown admins, boy, they're wrong, ooh lah, ooh lah.
Gwine to dance all night, gwine to dance all day,
Else we'll protest, ain't that right, got to have our say.

Like Katy Perry, Cynthia Stewart kissed a girl and she liked it. Now, she wants to bring this girl to the Tharptown High School prom next March. This is where it gets interesting.

Never the shy and retiring type, Stewart is given to wearing a sticker bearing the message, "I am a Lesbian." We have no word on other students who may be similarly proclaiming their heterosexuality or Tharptown parents who may be insisting their children safely identify themselves as asexual. Perhaps there are faculty who would like to express the sentiment of being too tired to even think about sex--hetero, homo, or anywhere in between. Where will it end?

Alas, we have again fallen into the pit of digression. Anyone ever been to Tharptown? Anyone who resides outside Franklin County ever heard of Tharptown? That's what we thought. Aside from the occasional "He's my man and you can't have him" cat fight or the even rarer "He stole my pig and I had to kill him" crime, the small community of Tharptown doesn't usually make front page news. Now this wide spot in the road is headlining the New York Times--well, The Birmingham News, anyway.

Not since Beth Ditto left Arkansas have so many expressed so much shock over an adipose, uh, obvious publicity ploy. Expect to see Cynthia Stewart on Big Brother, followed by I'm a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here. Expect to see Franklin County School Administration take early retirement and move to as yet unsullied Belgreen.

Words of the day: Russell Brand (That's all, just Russell Brand. We thought as long as we mentioned Katy Perry, it would be only fair to mention her hirsute Brit bf.)