The Lauderbert BOE Discusses Masks

 

Last night, the Lauderbert County Board of Education met to discuss two pressing issues. First up was the hamster infestation at Zion Rill Middle School cafeteria. Due to the unexpected appearance of a PETA attorney speaking on behalf of the hamsters, that item was shelved until next month's meeting.

However, the second agenda item did make it to the public input stage. Speaking on the mask/no-mask issue were three Lauderbert experts who were met with various degrees of emotion from the audience.

First, Madame Elvia Ledbottom spoke: "I see many here tonight who regularly visit my trailer just off Highway 72 for advice on which lottery numbers to purchase, but tonight I'm here to reveal how to defeat COVID in schools once and for all. I've had the same dream three nights in a row, making my prediction 99.99% accurate. Yes, all students must dress entirely in chartreuse for seven days. At the end of that week, COVID will be eradicated from our school system. I ask you, have I ever been wrong?"

After a few minutes of applause, eye-rolling, and stunned silence, the board introduced the second speaker, Rev. Lonzie Simpkins, director of the Most Holy Church of Hog's Neck, Alabama: "I am here tonight to offer salvation from this plague. Allow me to lay hands on all students before the start of classes and I can promise a healthy student body. In a few cases, usually those of older teenage girls, I may have to lay hands on a second time, but I can promise that this method is fail safe."

Applause seemed to equal the groans coming from the audience after Simpkins spoke. Finally the chair recognized Dr. Lucien Poindexter, a professor of microbiology at the local university: "On behalf of the local scientific community, I ask the board to pass a mask mandate. It's not perfect, but it will decrease the chance of COVID transmission drastically and provide the best defense against the disease that we can offer the students."

Before Dr. Poindexter could return to his seat, many in the audience had reached for their pitchforks. Great shouts of curses filled the auditorium as the crowd chased the professor from the building to his waiting vehicle already being vandalized by the speedier in attendance. 

There you have it - Many in our country would prefer green clothing or even groping by a dirty old man to wearing a face mask. And Obama still clings to the idea of mandatory voter participation...