A Conversation in 2025 Woke Alabama

 

LEO: Mrs. Smith? We've found the man who cleaned out your tool shed while you were at your cousin's funeral. He has something he wants to say to you.

Ted: Uh, yeah, I'm sorry. I got this addiction, you should feel sorry for me.

MS: I see. Officer, when do I get my things back?

LEO: Oh, you don't get them back. Ted sold them to fuel his long time drug habit, but he wanted to say he's sorry. It's part of his rehabilitation program.

MS: So how do I do my lawn work. I'm 85; I need those tools.

LEO: (Chuckling) Well you should buy more. There' a Lowe's just two blocks away.

MS: But all I get is my social security. I'll never be able to replace them.

LEO: That is tough. You might want to hire a lawn care specialist. That's what Ted is and he's looking for a job.

*****

Ted William Wright has been posting and sending out reports of how local press has abused him. Remember, he has an addiction, so no one should ever mention his over two dozen property crimes in the past eight years. Local news needs to publish only the good, and Ted promises never to do it again.

(Ted's last arrest was two months ago in Moulton. He apparently tried to steal the entire contents of the local Walmart.)