The Lauderbert BOE Discusses Masks

 

Last night, the Lauderbert County Board of Education met to discuss two pressing issues. First up was the hamster infestation at Zion Rill Middle School cafeteria. Due to the unexpected appearance of a PETA attorney speaking on behalf of the hamsters, that item was shelved until next month's meeting.

However, the second agenda item did make it to the public input stage. Speaking on the mask/no-mask issue were three Lauderbert experts who were met with various degrees of emotion from the audience.

First, Madame Elvia Ledbottom spoke: "I see many here tonight who regularly visit my trailer just off Highway 72 for advice on which lottery numbers to purchase, but tonight I'm here to reveal how to defeat COVID in schools once and for all. I've had the same dream three nights in a row, making my prediction 99.99% accurate. Yes, all students must dress entirely in chartreuse for seven days. At the end of that week, COVID will be eradicated from our school system. I ask you, have I ever been wrong?"

After a few minutes of applause, eye-rolling, and stunned silence, the board introduced the second speaker, Rev. Lonzie Simpkins, director of the Most Holy Church of Hog's Neck, Alabama: "I am here tonight to offer salvation from this plague. Allow me to lay hands on all students before the start of classes and I can promise a healthy student body. In a few cases, usually those of older teenage girls, I may have to lay hands on a second time, but I can promise that this method is fail safe."

Applause seemed to equal the groans coming from the audience after Simpkins spoke. Finally the chair recognized Dr. Lucien Poindexter, a professor of microbiology at the local university: "On behalf of the local scientific community, I ask the board to pass a mask mandate. It's not perfect, but it will decrease the chance of COVID transmission drastically and provide the best defense against the disease that we can offer the students."

Before Dr. Poindexter could return to his seat, many in the audience had reached for their pitchforks. Great shouts of curses filled the auditorium as the crowd chased the professor from the building to his waiting vehicle already being vandalized by the speedier in attendance. 

There you have it - Many in our country would prefer green clothing or even groping by a dirty old man to wearing a face mask. And Obama still clings to the idea of mandatory voter participation...

Does Purple Hair Roam the Hallowed Halls of Muscle Shoals High?

 

No one at this blog cares if any Muscle Shoals High School students have purple hair...or green hair...or razor wire hair for that matter. We don't care which side these students may be on in the trans restroom issue either. We do care about enforcing rules for some and not for others. If half of what we hear is true, we hope the lawsuits flow.

If you have any snaps of girls (or boys or whatevers) attending class at Muscle Shoals with purple hair, please post them or send them to this blog. We'll have some very pointed questions for Chad O.G. Holden whose claim to infamy is enforcing hair color rules.

That brings us to the latest school board meeting. We understand over 250 attempted to attend and all but 20 were turned away due to COVID restrictions. How were these lucky 20 chosen? 

If you think things are disruptive at the school now, just wait until homecoming...

Andy Goes to the Dogs

 

This Is Andy...

This Is Andy In May - The Last Time He Visited The Shelter

This Is Andy On Left With August Shelter Dog

This Is Andy On Right With July Shelter Dog

We could go on, but you get the non-picture. Andy has visited the shelter exactly twice since its opening. Handy Dandy Andy says he's too busy to drive the 5.2 miles to the shelter from his downtown office. He's not willing to drive 10.4 miles round trip to pose with a shelter animal once a month. This is the same Andy who refused to authorize snow plows to clear an extra two blocks so shelter employees could get to work during the last ice storm.

So Andy's too busy? Just what is Andy Betterton doing besides taking an afternoon nap? Doesn't Florence deserve a real mayor? 

The Revenge of the Mayor?

 

Pictured above is Muscle Shoals Mayor Mike Lockhart. (Note to Mike: They now sell cheap undershirts with vee-necks at Walmart...right there in Muscle Shoals.) A highly placed source in the city has told us it was Mike who demanded Scott Clayton-Atwater be given the job as golf pro at Cypress Lakes. In this manner, the malicious mayor had his revenge on one or more employees of the city's recreation department.

Consider:

1. How many other interviews has the mayor ever sat in on? We’ve been told very few, if any. 

2. How long has the city ever given anyone to accept or decline a position? We’ve been told never more than a couple of days regardless of the position. (Clayton-Atwater had two weeks.) 

3. How long has the city ever given anyone, regardless of the position, to start after the interview? Willing to bet it’s not two months. 

Governments, like individuals, usually get what they deserve. Cypress Lakes has long been a sucking drain on the City of Muscle Shoals, and Clayton-Atwater will fit right in.

Scott Clayton (Atwater) Plays Dumb...or Is He Not Playing?

 

This blog has received two interesting pieces of information about Mr. Clayton...or is that Mr. Atwater? Why does a golf pro use two names? Does he have a political blog under a pen name that we need to know about? Is it to confuse law enforcement? Perhaps a multiple personality disorder? 

Both tidbits come from highly placed and reliable sources. First, a local news organization asked Clayton-Atwater to comment on the controversy surrounding his appointment at Cypress Lakes Golf Club. He replied that he was unaware of any controversy.

So Scott (it's easier to just call him that) hasn't been Googling his name to see what's being said in our backwater area of the state that he was so unsure of moving to? Perhaps he's also selling ocean front property in Arizona - goodness knows his family sells everything else on Facebook. 

For those truly unaware of the controversy, between 70 and 100 members of the Muscle Shoals golf club signed a petition asking for his job offer to be rescinded. We're betting the employees and patrons of his current club are fervently praying that it isn't. 

And our second tidbit of information about the dubious hire? We'll have that tomorrow.

How Many Shoals Students Have COVID?

 

Assuming the Shoals is following the same pattern as the rest of the state, quite a few returning students have COVID. In 2020, slightly over 700 statewide tested positive for the virus during the first week of classes. How about 2021? Almost 5,600. 

On a national basis, since the first COVID case was reported early in 2020, children have made up 14.6% of the cases. During the week of August 7th, children accounted for 22.4%, an increase attributed to the Delta variant.

Yet ballgames haven't been cancelled, pep rallies continue, and classes most certainly remain in person, at least in most schools. It would seem not only Austin Powers likes to live dangerously.

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For the slender bar tender, his job was a breeze.

He was quick to pour and eager to please.

He handed out the fruity nips

And bowls of crispy tortilla chips,

All enhanced with a light spray of Chinese Disease. 

You have been warned...

Is Colbert County High the Only School with a Food Shortage?

 

Parents are asking why just this school? Are meals balanced? As for the first question, we suspect the food shortage is affecting the whole system. We're more interested in why no other systems (Lauderdale or Franklin) are reporting a shortage.

Balanced? Certainly balanced is good, but teenagers being what they are, they're probably not consuming everything included in the meals to begin with. There's a great selection of Rexall vitamins at Dollar General. 

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Another reader has asked about Mr. Hand's previous position with Tuscumbia City Schools. He was, at the time of his election to Colbert County Superintendent, the Director of Facilities, Maintenance, and Operations at Tuscumbia. The system transferred Hand to that position while he was serving as a school principal. 

Specifically, our reader wanted to know what the job entailed. The best way for any concerned parent or citizen to acquire this information is simply to request a copy of the job description from the Tuscumbia Board. Will the board elaborate on his demotion? We doubt it.

Perhaps a fair observation is that, like the Sheffield super, Hand has an abrasive personality. That does not mean that he's unqualified for the position he holds. No matter what your children are, shall we say, suffering through at the moment, it's best to keep in mind that it's only temporary.

Election Fraud

We're happy to see the Lauderdale Luminary back with some erudite words on election fraud:

There will never be any "indisputable" facts about fraud, or the absence thereof, in the last election cycle. I have spent 10 years in financial and legal compliance auditing, a significant portion of my now 30-year accounting career. A large part of the practice of Accounting and Auditing is the creation and evaluation of documentary evidence and "paper trails" that can be either exculpatory or damning. We refer to the policies, procedures, rules, and mechanisms that generate this evidence for any transactional process as "Internal Controls". 

From my professional perspective, there appear to be very few if any effective controls in place at any level of our elections system. Nor does there appear to be any functionality within the system to produce sufficient documentary evidence to either prove or disprove fraud. Furthermore, the Accounting and Auditing profession considers it to be axiomatic that where there is opportunity for fraud, there IS fraud, and if the opportunity is significant, then the fraud will be significant as well.

The fact that many statistical analyses of the last election cycle noted numerous mathematical anomalies in the election data would tend to buttress this axiom. Unfortunately, this is simply human nature. The bottom line here is that there is no real evidence of election fraud in this cycle because the election system is not designed to produce any such evidence. It's a rather convenient design for those with the moral flexibility to take advantage of it. 

And there will be no change in this condition so long as any and every attempt to create reasonable internal controls within the election system are consistently decried as racist or sexist or whatever the pejorative du jour may be, but there is method in that madness as well. And at the end of the day, faith in the veracity of elections will be the ultimate casualty, and this in turn will lead to diminished participation, the very cake the tyrants behind the scenes most want to bake.


Humbly submitted for your consideration by,

Anti-Vaxxer is "Fixin'" to Make Himself Known...He Hopes

 

Perhaps you've been reading about David Aaron Hendricks on Facebook or Reddit. He's a Registered Nurse residing in Limestone County and not at all shy about expressing his counter-culture beliefs. The question is: Should you listen to him?

His page features many product endorsements, some of which are labeled as income producing, and some we are left to assume are from the goodness of his heart. His posts also feature holy roller rock concerts at what seems to pass as worship services in the lives of many. You'll also find diet tips, most of them intelligent and well-thought out. Then there are the anti-vax posts that make up a platform for the Ardmore resident.

That's right, we said platform. Hendricks has recently left his job as an ICU nurse at a North Alabama hospital. His page showcases a photo with Mo Brooks and the comment that he's considering a run for the State House. He's also ungrammatically announced he's "fixin'" to begin a new, presumably anti-vax campaign for hospital/medical workers required to take the big jab. (For any who may not know, medical establishments have long required Hepatitis B vaccines as a requirement for the job.)

Returning to Hendricks' advice on nutrition, we find the most telling post of all:

The above chart depicts, among other things, what soy in the diet does to males. The only problem is that legitimate studies totally debunk that theory. Look at the 1940s' image; how many of you have photos of your father or grandfather from that era? Did he look like a gorilla? No, we didn't think so. Nor do most males today look like a pre-serum Steve Rogers.

Yet that's not the main takeaway. Note the small print over the bottom images: The Decline of White Masculinity. Say what? You mean soy affects only white men and not black men?

Before he was a nurse, the bearded and tattooed Hendricks states he worked in law enforcement. Somehow, we don't think he's a great example of either. You have been warned...

API Resembles Ministry of Truth

 

The Alabama Policy Institute calls itself the premier think tank in Alabama. Oh, sure, no one else does, but at least API knows how to heap praise on itself. Welcome to Shoalanda Speaks, the next Pulitizer winner in editorial news writing.

We recently mentioned the API stance on UNA's mask requirements, but also telling is its rating of the Alabama Legislature. In the Senate, Larry Stutts merited a 98. Remember Stutts, once named the 2015 Alabama Scumbag of the Year? He opposed the legalization of medical marijuana, thus winning the API's favor.

On the other hand, Tim Melson was one of two Republican state senators to land at the bottom of the API's list. Dr. Melson supported the passage of the medical bill and helped to ensure it became law. For this one act, the API has declared him unfit.

As stated in our earlier blog, for an organization whose policy is based on free trade, why the opposition to medical marijuana? This seems to be another case of political pundits knowing more than researchers who have spent their entire lives studying various areas of health and medicine.

When doing future research on candidates, one might do very well to disregard the Alabama Policy Institute. It seems to need only its own version of Sassy to qualify as a Roy Moore clone.

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Have you heard of an Alabama Registered Nurse called David Aaron Hendricks from Limestone County? He certainly wants you to hear of him. Guess what? We do too...just not for the same reasons. Tune in tomorrow...

Scott Clayton (Atwater) New Pawn at Cypress Lakes

 

Scott Clayton, aka Scott Atwater, is invading Muscle Shoals golf. Yes, the Mike Myers lookalike has accepted the position of Cypress Lakes pro. He'll soon be uprooting his family for his latest pit stop on the career ladder. How long this job hopper will stay in Muscle Shoals is anyone's guess. 

And what of Matt McCollum, the stable and more suited candidate for the job who became the victim of a personal vendetta against the city's parks manager? We hope to do an update soon. 

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Speaking of golf, how are other local courses going? So many seem to have the half life of an unrefrigerated sliced tomato; is another one about to bite the dust?

The Slag at Furnace Hill Gets Mixed Reviews

 

No, the new music venue wasn't finished quite on time, but whoever is now in charge decided to open Friday and Saturday's shows to the general public free. Good marketing move? We're going with yes.

There were good and bad reviews. We'll start with the good:

1. Most concert-goers loved the lighting, comparing it to a fairyland or carnival.

2. Also getting great reviews was the music. The Pine Hill Haints were a hit, but we've read nothing about Lucero - didn't that group appear on Friday?

3. Many citizens of Sheffield were amazed and thoroughly pleased that the endeavor has gotten this far. We're eager to see what comes next!

Now the bad:

1. Those who live in the Village have discovered they will now have to drive through Tuscumbia to get to downtown Sheffield on concert nights. They're not pleased. Will Sheffield restaurants lose business?

2. There was only one food truck serving the crowd - pictured below:

3. The bar was very small (maybe this is a good thing?):

4. Some didn't like the restrooms. From the photo, this portable facility looks like many leased for new construction in existing facilities, and we've always found them nice, but haven't seen this particular one:

5. Sheffield police didn't do a good job directing traffic. Shouldn't this get better with practice?

6. It rained. Alas, this is a fact of nature. It will continue to happen in open air venues.

Now a personal observation: Ditty TV is supposedly set to have a presence in the Inspiration Landing complex. How did that group describe the venue? It's in a town just outside Muscle Shoals. No mention of Sheffield...period. John Elkington needs to speak with his "friends" at Ditty.

Chris Hand Alleges Crimes of "Moral Turpitude/Immorality"

 

When TK the AG was in power, he expanded the list of Alabama crimes of moral turpitude to include jay walking...or close to it. That list has been downsized since Troy King left office, but many less serious crimes remain. 

Michelle Ragan is accused of one set of "crimes" by the Alabama Ethics Commission/Colbert County DA's office and a second set by the Colbert County Board of Education. The BOE led by Chris Hand has accused Ragan of doing private work for two businesses owned by her family while on BOE time. 

It's safe to assume Ragan's private psychometrist service is the business endeavor previously mentioned as having unfair access to her competitors' bids. The other?

Michelle Ragan's husband Chad (pictured) owns a Matco Tool franchise in Florence. According to reports from the superintendent's office, several Matco related documents were also found on Ragan's office computer...a computer purchased and maintained by Colbert County taxpayers.

Our take? It's not uncommon for employees of private businesses to perform quid pro quo work. The employee uses company equipment from time to time, but also supplies his/her own janitorial/office supplies, software, etc. It's usually an amiable arrangement.

However, in this public case, we're sure Colbert County tax payers engaged in businesses similar to Matco don't appreciate their tax dollars supporting a competitor. No one has stated how long these "crimes of moral turpitude" have been going on, but we do question the timing of their discovery. Satchell demoted, and Ragan (soon to be) terminated.

Who's next in Hand's cunning master plan?

Who Gave Glenda Colagross the Boot at NWSCC?

 

Dr. Glenda Colagross has had a bumpy ride as president of Northwest Shoals Community College. Many have placed the blame for her troubles at the feet of the Ag Authority which at one time had hoped to form an allegiance with NWSCC on its new campus...still coming soon.

Colagross won the Luthman award last December for her service to higher education. Now she's out the door without even a farewell party. In fact, her temporary successor has already been named. He's Chris Cox, pictured above. Dr. Cox has previously served at two Alabama community colleges as what could be called a "cleaner."

The question now is: Just what is Cox supposed to be cleaning at NWSCC?

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Need reader suggestions: Anyone know a family practice attorney in the Jefferson County area? Send confidential replies to Shoalanda.Speaks@gmail.com.

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A regular reader has commented that Sheffield shouldn't be so concerned with events at the Slag this weekend, but about Marshall Tucker next weekend. Our sympathies to anyone unlucky enough to live in the neighborhood...

Meanwhile at the Church of the Highlands...

The Trans Train Arrives in the (Water)Loo (Station)

 

The only written in stone point of view here is that when Roy Moore or the Salvation Army says certain people need to be disposed of, they are abysmal failures both as Christians and human beings. That being said, what does a high school do when a student left school in May as male and returns in August as female?

If the main problem is restroom usage, how difficult is it to label one as unisex? Is that beyond the powers of a school system that likes to tout itself as just a little better than the ghetto its students call Deshler?

Another take comes from a local educator not in the affected system. He feels this is a kind of sham designed to make the career of a certain attorney. That may be true, but we doubt this first local trans student will be the last.

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How Smart Are Local Voters?

 

A reader thinks this may apply to a great many in the Shoals. Can you pick anyone out?

Ploys, lies, tactics and scams are what some politicians do. Those words can describe a lot of people. How do they continue to get by with that?
Two simple words: DUMA$$ SUCKERS.

Just sign the blank check and I'll fill it out at the bank.
I have a great deal for you.
Your package is waiting for you at UPS.
Below cost prices today only!
I have a CASH BUYER for your house. That's as good as: there is some great oceanfront property in Arizona that just came on the market and will go fast unless we get an offer in for you right now, all I need is a check to hold it.
Give me $100 and I will bring you back some great bargains.
Sign this contract and I will fill in the details later.

What DUMBA$$ falls for any of those lines? Surprisingly enough, they actually fog mirrors and almost look normal (at least until they keep opening their mouths and doing dumba$$ things.)

HERE'S YA SIGN

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Per request for two of our favorite readers:

Coming to Sheffield: The Slag in Five Days, the Slime in Six

 

That's right, in only five more days, the Slag will be open to the public for its first show. Then one day later, the Slime will arrive. At least that's what the official press release says:

Langhorne Slime? Is that Slim's kid brother?

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So much for the humor. Now here are a few serious points to ponder. The photo above allegedly depicts a structure coming to the IL project. It and four other photos are displayed on the website of International Coliseums Company, a Scottsdale, Arizona, business.

Inspiration Landing - Sheffield

The problem with this information is that all five photographs depict existing structures in Memphis, Tennessee. Look closely at the amphitheater photo and you'll find a Memphis radio station's banner adorning the stage. 

Will IL have these buildings' twins? Did ICC actually design the five structures? Their website doesn't list any work in Memphis. 

At least ICC seems to fit right in with the Inspiration Landing folks...

Alabama Policy Institute Chastises UNA

 

The Alabama Policy Institute stands for:

1. Free Trade

2. Less Legal Regulation

3. Strong Families

Yet the organization strongly supports the Alabama vaccine passport ban, a law that controls what businesses can and can't do, which seems contrary to two of its basic tenets. Now the organization has called out some specific entities for breaking this new law:

Finally, some public universities have been making distinctions between the vaccinated and the nonvaccinated. For instance, the University of North Alabama mandates masks indoors for unvaccinated students, and the University of West Alabama mandates masks for unvaccinated RA’s. If an unvaccinated student cannot wear a mask because of a medical condition, then forcing him to choose between wearing a mask or getting vaccinated may constitute an illegal condition of receiving an education.

The University of North Alabama has, in the last few years, made some horrible legal choices; its mask policy isn't one of them. No one likes to wear a mask for medical reasons. Yet it's much preferable to being dead.

If there's anyone out there who hasn't gotten it yet, our world changed early in 2020. Denying that change isn't merely eccentric, it's dangerous beyond belief. If you think COVID-19 has been detrimental to businesses, just be glad you don't work for a company that manufactures lipstick.

Ragan Case Sent to Colbert County DA

 

The Alabama Ethics Commission has ruled on complaints filed against Colbert County Schools administrative assistant Michelle B. Campbell Ragan. The 27 year employee has been deemed guilty of one ethics violation and her case forwarded to the Colbert County District Attorney.

Michelle Ragan

According to an inside source who didn't wish to be named, Ragan purchased a company that did business with the school system, then had access to bids for services in which her company participated.

Ragan is currently on leave from Supt. Chris Hand's office. She is also being investigated by the system's attorney, and more charges could be forthcoming. The ethics commission is expected to post a written statement concerning its unanimous findings in the next few days.

Tomorrow: The Alabama Policy Institute goes after UNA...

Pithy Remarks to the Lauderdale County Commission...and its Counterparts

 

Some of us may be lucky enough to have a job which one percent of the time offers some glamour. You know, the free banquets where people actually tell us they're glad to meet us or where we have our photo taken with the governor. 

The other 99%? That's a lot of hard work and a huge amount of difficult decision making. That's (read this twice, it's the main point!) so consumed in minutiae and correcting other's bad decisions that you often have to eat lunch at your desk instead of shopping for that new vehicle you've been wanting. It's called being a good employee/public servant who gets the job done without complaining.

How much time has the Lauderdale County Commission spent on needless chatter about the new Ag Center, a totally unneeded white elephant that is currently robbing local school children of funding? In case any are unaware, the "county commission" was for years called the "road commission" because that was the bulk of its responsibility. How are local residents going to make it to that much awaited Pink Floyd concert if the road to their subdivision is washed out?

From a valued reader: This is in response to the post about the water pipe in Waterloo where the commission has failed to maintain the road. The commissioners in this county flat out are terrible, our roads are awful and in need of repair. Drainage ditches are also in need of being scooped out. There is a road in Eastern Lauderdale that has so many potholes in it that the road has fell apart and sunk in. The commission’s answer about paving that road is always “We don’t have any money”. There would be money if the wasteful spending for the grand and glorious Ag Center would’ve not been built. Our so called leaders have scammed the people of Lauderdale Co. with this Ag center. I guarantee elected officials from state senators, state representatives, county commissioners, and school board members are getting kickbacks some where and that furthers the corruption in this county.

No, road repair may not be as glamorous as opening night at a new county monstrosity, but it is much more in the scope of your jobs. People don't care if you secured a new bocce ball court for Rogersville or a new space needle for Waterloo if they can't get out of their driveway without a pontoon boat. 

Those who write to us universally think local leadership doesn't rise to even a mediocre level. You might want to think about that long and hard.

Prince Rebels; Does He Have a Point?

 

It's been a while since you heard from your faithful Canine-American blogger, and I am coming to you today from a Chewy cedar chip bed of pain. My scruff and shoulders are so sore I can barely type. It's all I can do to eat, but I'm forcing myself six or seven times a day just to be on the safe side.

Why, you ask? I just returned from Dr. Cobb's where some very nice ladies lured me into his den of needles (I'll never learn). It was fun at first, then came the rabies jab. At no time did I place my paw print on any consent forms. It was, as always, totally forced.

Let me ask you: When was the last time you heard of a dog with rabies? I'm not even sure those urban tales of rabid raccoons are real. Who knows what they put in those "rabies shots?" It could easily be a plot by the Colbert County Animal Board to thin out our numbers. Nothing would surprise me from them.

Now, aren't you just a little concerned for your furry companions? We see no need for this torture. Rebel now!

Lauderdale Commission v. West Lauderdale Water?

 

Buck passing? It should be an Olympic sport. We're pretty sure some Alabama officials would bring home the gold.

Remember Paradise Drive in Waterloo? Above is a photo of the subpar roadway. That PVC pipe? That's what brings drinking water to the local residents, courtesy of the West Lauderdale Water Department.

Why is the pipe exposed? The water company says it's the fault of the Lauderdale County Commission for not maintaining the drive. The commission says it's the responsibility of the water company since the pipe belongs to them. Responsibility obviously isn't everyone's strong point.

The county commission has also been very quiet recently concerning ongoing work to widen Paradise Drive. It was the recent scene of another accident; however, no one died...this time. 

What will it take to remedy this situation? Aren't there enough lawsuits in the world already? If anyone has any further insight into this, please contact us. We'll be doing an update at a later date.