Labor Day 2021

 

Yes, it's time for our readers' favorite segment - the annual Labor Day Beauty Contest. Spring Park was filled with stunned onlookers as the contestants took their turn on the runway and offered up a smattering of their talents. It just doesn't get any better than this. Here's a short rundown of the lovely participants for 2021:

Sunshine Raines - Miss Raines represented the Parks & Recreation Union. Employed at Spring Park itself, Sunshine was a crowd favorite. At 5' tall and 4' wide, there's a lot of Sunshine to go around. Her specialty is herding the park ducks, and the Colbert County native took advantage of her unique ability by incorporating the waterfowl into her act. Raines led the goosesteppers as they performed a perfectly in sync march to It's a Long Way to Tipperary. 

Ponticia (Ponie) Taylor - Miss Taylor is a member of the Street Photographers' Union and gives hope to old timers that the art will be carried on to future generations. Ponie's talent segment took street photography to a new lower level as she presented snaps of actual pavement. Never have the potholes of Sheffield been so beautifully showcased. One onlooker stated that he actually saw John Elkington moved to tears.

Suzan Sturfriar - Miss Sturfriar represented the College Sex-Workers Guild. Unfortunately, she was disqualified before the actual judging when she and one of the male judges couldn't be located for pre-contest check-in.

Jeannie Baird - Jeannie was the surprising entry of the Animal Workers' Association. Taking the stage in a swirling kilted skirt to the tune of haunting bagpipes while performing a Highland Fling, it took audience members several seconds to realize that the breathtaking Miss Baird was actually a border collie. According to her entrance application, Jeannie identifies as human and was allowed to enter the annual competition. 

Seamus O'Reilly - O'Reilly was this year's only male contestant. Representing the League of Public Employees, the Nova Scotia native read excerpts from Das Kapital as buttons burst from his shirt. At the end of his performance, he begged the judges to declare him the winner, stating he planned to leave his wife and desperately needed the prize money for a bus ticket home.

There you have it for this year. You really shoulda been there.

 

The Winner!