Why You Can't Be a Success in the Shoals

Having trouble making your mark in the world, even though you're really trying? This may be your problem:

1. He didn't make any money legally. He's in with the mob. Translation: He grew up dirt poor in East Florence, so how can he be a success while we're not.

2. I wouldn't do business with her. Something funny about all that new money. Translation: Her parents weren't rich, so how the heck did she get to be?

3. You need to watch him. No one knows where he came from. Translation: He's not a Podunk native, so he really shouldn't even be here, much less making any money.

4. Something fishy about all that success. She got a ticket for jaywalking thirty years ago. Translation: It doesn't matter if you're there firstest with the mostest, you can't be a success because of your distant past.

Not quite sure about some of this? Let's talk to an expert.

SS: We have Sylvia VanHaughty with us today. She's chair of the board for Acme Widgets, one of the Shoals smallest and least successful employers. Sylvia, tell us about Joe Sosmann.

SV: It seems Sosmann moved to our small town without anyone's permission. Anyway, he then weaseled his way into a job at Acme.

SS: Exactly how did the get the job?

SV: He filled out an application and just because he was more than qualified, some idiot supervisor hired him. Can you imagine?

SS: Not really. So what happened next?

SV: Thurlow Smithers knew about that speeding ticket Sosmann got in the 1990s, so he told me and I promptly had Sossman fired.

SS: So now Mr. Sosmann will have to rely on public assistance unless he can find another job?

SV: I certainly hope not. I don't believe in food stamps to start with and I certainly don't want my tax money supporting Joe Sosmann.

SS: So how is Mr. Sosmann supposed to live?

SV: He should have thought about that before he got that speeding ticket, now shouldn't he?

SS: Sylvia, do you know what secondary deviance is?

SV: I try to stay away from anything deviant, but if you're asking about our prison system, I'm opposed to paying any money to them either. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to leave or I'll be late. I never miss a service at the Uptown Old School and Money Church. 



Shoalanda